FUNNY things, breasts.
We'll pause here to give men time to snigger, titter (no pun intended) and otherwise act like lewd schoolboys playing truant in the changing rooms of La Senza and women to adjust their Wonderbra straps with crushing, blushing complexes of inadequacy and shame.
Okay? All done? Right. Funny things, breasts.
How odd of God to attach them to the front of females to facilitate publication of glossy men's magazines, the third page of certain newspapers, satellite channel broadcast of soft – sometimes not so soft – porn, selection of Big Brother and Jungle inmates and building careers for smutty comics like Benny Hill and Dick Emery.
How ungratefully perverse of women to abuse those appendaged gifts by sticking their breasts into the mouths of hungry infants who, by nature's prescription, are so obviously programmed to accept milk from tins, delivered via sterilised glass bottles and rubber teats. Come on girls, we all know that – when you're breastfeeding you're just being deliberately disgusting!
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